You have noticed flames emitting from the building
You have noticed water cascading out of the front door
You have noticed a baboon ransacking the pub
You have noticed a suicide bomber ordering scrumpy
Please please don't phone up and say things like:
What time do you open
What time do you close
Do you take cards
How do i get there from Kentish town
Is Alan there? Can you tell him I'm locked out.
I left my generic looking scarf / hat / knickers there a week last Tuesday, can you check if you still have them
Do you have a chess board and can you confirm that all the pieces are there before i leave the house
What beers will you have on next wednesday evening, me and my camra buddies where thinking of coming but we only drink dark beer under 4%
Can you put little reserved signs on the tables so me and my mates can turn up when we feel like it and insist that existing customers move somewhere else so we can sit down.
I'm a brewery salesman and we have some bitter called 'hole in one' its a golf/sexist innuendo themed brown beer with a wopping 20g of fuggles in every brew, do you want to buy some? We deliver on Friday evenings at 6 o'clock.